Author’s A to Z

Val Portelli

 

Alcohol: Necessary for drowning sorrows and very occasionally for celebrations.

 

Book Blogger: Invaluable people in any author’s life. Authors need to be nice to them; flowers and chocolates are usually a good bet.

 

Copyright: Trying to rearrange a finite number of words or ideas into a previously unused format, then claiming it as unique.

 

Destiny: See my book link. ‘ABC Destiny.’

 

Editor: Some-won wot makes shore you’re book is write. 😉

 

Facebook: A diversion and procrastinator’s delight.

 

Google: Used for research and as an alternative to Facebook to gain membership of the Procrastinators United club.

 

Help: Thankfully other authors are normally willing to share their knowledge.

 

Indents: Things to muck up when formatting.

 

Jump for Joy: What you do when your book starts creeping up the best seller lists.

 

Kill off: What authors do to characters who won’t behave.

 

Learning: You thought it was just about writing a book? You’re in for a big surprise.

 

Marketing: The devil’s spawn for every writer who only wants to put words onto paper.

 

Negative reviews: ‘I’m giving this book 1 star because the courier didn’t shut the gate when he delivered it.’

 

Offline: a) Something you need to be if you want to meet your deadline or b) Somewhere your computer goes when you most need it.

 

Procrastination: What authors do when they are trying to put off the dreaded editing or marketing.

 

Query letter: Something you write to agents or publishers to try to convince them your book is the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Research: A way of ensuring immediate incarceration should the history on your laptop ever be investigated.

 

Self-publishing: Undertaken when a) you despair waiting for a publisher’s reply or b) you want to retain total control of your masterpiece, and are prepared to spend years learning new skills in between writing.

 

Tablet: a) A pill for your nerves or b) an alternative to a phone or laptop.

 

Unicorns: The reason I need people to purchase my books. All royalties received go towards buying their food. If you don’t buy my books and leave reviews, they will starve.

 

Vampire: The capacity to stay awake into the wee small hours of darkness is a useful attribute for any author.

 

Wi-Fi: a) necessity for research and publicity or b) Why? (become an author) and Fi (an old English word for yet another rejection.)

 

X: A kiss for all you lovely people who have read this far.

 

Yacht: The venue for the celebration party on my luxury yacht when I make my first million. You’re all invited.

 

Zzs: On the assumption you haven’t nodded off whilst reading this, it can be the cause of friction between English and American readers. Does it rhyme with ‘bed,’ or ‘Sea?’

 

© Val Portelli November 2018

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